Happy For The Holidays–Your Adopted Child Can Be Better Behaved This Christmas

Happy Holidays can be a not so happy time if you are the parent or family member of an adopted or foster child. Children of trauma, or kids who suffer from Oppositional Defiant Disorder react to this season in unfortunate ways, making everyone in the house miserable. They usher in Christmas with dread, anxiety, anger, and behaviors that make a parent want to throw in the towel.

So what is the answer to the Holiday season? How can parents discipline in such a way that their children respond positively? Are there any tools moms and dads can use to reduce the stress that so obviously manifests itself this time of the year? Let’s look at the concept of discipline to get started on this topic.

The definition of discipline is to teach. A good teacher examines her topic, prepares in advance, and is gifted at imparting her knowledge. It is much easier to punish or shame than it is to take time out and truly train our kids. Discipline is, after all, training–is it not? Being flexible, having a patient attitude, and avoiding punishment and isolation are good steps to take toward effective training. Healing comes after the realization that many of the severe behaviors seen in fostered and adopted kids are driven by misunderstanding and fear.

This isn’t to say our children should have no boundaries, only that children require time and input from parents to truly understand what is expected of them and what the right choice is. We assume too much when we believe our children always know the right choice but are just not making it. Time and input is often short during the months of November and December so maybe that can give us our first clue into why this time of the year is so hard for our formerly neglected and abused children.

Here are some tools for your parenting toolbox…

1. The next time your child misbehaves, I challenge you to take a moment to breathe, let your brain catch up to what just happened, and think through your next move. Ask some questions of yourself. Is your child tired? Has she had too much sugar? When was the last time you sat quietly together and read a story or just talked?

2. Consider if there is a reaction going on to something related to your child’s trauma. This creates in you a sense of understanding that children pick up on–it is immediately calming. If the answer is yes, see if you can eliminate the negative stimuli, thereby cutting down on your child’s stress and poor behavior.

3. Instead of putting her in time out or taking away a favorite toy, act out the right choice together (dare I say you should laugh while doing it?) and put that good choice into her motor memory. That is powerful stuff! It is also training, which is much more effective than punishing.

This year, take a different approach if you are having trouble with your children’s behavior. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Make understanding your new approach for the holiday season and watch true peace descend upon your household.

Bryan Post is a husband and father of two children and also the founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. If you would like help with problems like Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Encopresis without punishing your child, click on the blue text to get your free copy of the Parenting Solutions Journal. This publication is dedicated to helping foster and adopted children with severe behavior issues.